As you may have noticed by now, I like kicking things. And, or you are too I believed with all or I am too paranoid and see reiterations everywhere.
If you are one of the women who are looking to make a success of your next lesbian romance novel, you cannot stop reading this! (Or call 0-800-KILL-ME and wait to be attended).
Let’s see, you’re making a novel and…
a)One or both characters are millionaires.
See, girls, never a starving, or not? Technically, if you think about it, their “marriages” would not last more than any greedy girl who marries for money. No violins in his works. They never have trouble paying the rent.
Another is that they live in a wonderful world, never as us in a Third World with have “corralitos”; power outages; they cut the water and curse because we cannot take a bath… so indefinitely. In its idyllic worlds there is no corruption, her “blue princess” will never be cheating and they eat partridges forever.
It is worth clarifying that also suffer from sweating problems, hormonal problems that make them grow hair like the wolf woman, neither of allergies, never get sick, they are the loss sisters of Superman and know the name Rumpelstinskin (although 99% do not know what the fuck I’m talking about and if they do, it was only thanks to Shrek, right?).
b) One or both characters believe in eternal love, beyond Hell, Paradise and the confines of outer space.
It is fine to believe in the love and the entire whirligig. But the moment of truth, say, is perhaps the Eternal rhyme we complained about that we also love? Just admit that you like fairy tales, yeah?
You will never see a lesbian, by many plaid shirt she has, which play the whore with another when she realizes (almost as like fell a meteorite crashing on her head) that the love of her life is interested in her.
Hey! But how well they never mistake!
Or she goes, to meditate of course, but does not lay with any because her heart cannot explode rather than joy at this, the woman of his dreams… You are Carmilla?
Moreover, if some lunatic would think turn into stardust (I watch too Sailor Moon) her beloved, will return of the atomic stage only because she loves her. I’m gonna throw up.
What if she is confused? Time to appeal to lesbian super power: turning those “are not”! Ok, I have this super power, but does it always work? Nope. And how much does it take? Pfff, you do not want to know, at least make a novel of 5,000 pages (you just do a decent of 300).
c) One or both characters have magnanimous orgasms.
How is this? What are you drinking? Seriously. I just found out that the most powerful female aphrodisiac are the keys, especially of the computer keyboard, because apparently the galons of liquid which tsunami arising from the female crotch are as endless as Lord of the Rings in a marathon all films. In other words, stop a bit! I see “uh”, “ah” and “yessss” or its variant “Yeaaah, like this, don’t stop”.
To me those authors were responsible for all tsunamis in Indonesia, Japan and around the world in general.
Multiorgasmics, hands that look like Kali the destroyer… I mean the typical “her hands were everywhere”, which actually translates as “I do not know what and put and I have make her come”. Already we understood! We do Hindus! Magic hands will you tell… (and singing every so often), however it is absurd, it’s silly, it’s… They never have a broken nail that at some point oops!, not even describe nails if I think. Not to mention, they do not strike on sex, there is no bad sex with this ladies, always reach orgasm, teeth never collided, never have an accident when one falling out of bed, slip, crash into something, etc. And as icing on the cake, they are always well prepared to sex whatever time it is, they have worked like a slave or have his father still veiling in the drawer. Amen.
d) One or more scenes focus on aquatic location or simile (either bathrooms, simple bathtubs or whirlpools, river, sea, etc.)
They have a little problem with the wet, obviously. Or, they want be Ricky Martin.
This is a fetish typically Xenite, come from the time of ancient gods when Xena and Gabrielle bathed… the river, bathtub, anything just to wet the girls as an excuse for subtext.
Why then in a novel? It is sexy? Some will like it, of course. Does the image of the wet girl suggest elsewhere damped in your warped minds?
e) Porsche or Harley-Davidson?
Poor lesbians of world, suffer! Ah, is not the intention of the authors? First things first: even if they are playing The Sims start from the bottom, without having too much money. But nooooo! They want a Harley between her legs! (And then criticize Freud calling him a misogynist). Have a problem with the lack of a penis, let me tell you, and it’s the only time I can give reason to Sigmund.
How many of you have a luxury car? Did your car ever break down? Never poke a wheel? Never exploits (explota, explota, me expló) the hood in a blaze of fire? Never scratch the car, they park as Formula One driver, and are the other half of the soul of Michael Schumacher. Well, keep it up.
f) Lesbian athlete and/or artist, CEO, military, police, detective, doctor, etc…
If they are artists, they succeed and earn millions. If they are athletes, the field is everything and wins the cup as if it were easy. If they are military are highly decorated, if they are police always catch the thief not only the damsel. As doctors were taught to do bypass the most reputable doctors…
Do not you ever have ups and downs? Is that are always on top of everything up there on the heights, surrounded by skyscrapers and a Latin secretary?
g) Creating the super lesbian.
It not in the wildest dreams of Mary Shelley occurred creating this beast, this dubious character as the super lesbian.
As I mentioned, it is immune to diseases, as I did not say is highly courageous, never afraid, faces any gang in pursuit the love of her life and never ends up with a black eye.
Great, huh? Yeap. This woman has bones of adamantium, is the envy of Aphrodite for its beauty, has no trace of deficiency in her body or even a mole, has a melodious voice and the only person who assaulted verbally is the woman of his life… because everything else is an Eve before eating the apple (which was actually quince, but is not relevant).
If one of the two characters are rejected by her family, the other deeply loved and accepts as a child in her womb to her new partner. Otherwise, we kill that family or waive, in whole do not realize, or give him a dog, cat or a bug so we show how good is she and silly people sigh.
i) Let’s kill the lesbian
This is my favorite part. In the series, when actors do not sign contract again, or are black, Chinese or Latino, they kill them. Why should it be different with a lesbian weirdo? And just when they were singing that they were in love, bam! Bye. The other girl will go crazy, cry a sea of tears and curse hell (yes, you too, c’est la vie).
But sadism is not only reflected in the loggerhead screen but also in books. First love is dead; she just left her and the other died; they was happy couple and one died; she was a bitch and ends up being killed by Deus Ex Machina as we need to die to give a melancholy, deep, mature touch… So that death makes them ripen because they fell prematurely of tree. Now she is ready, let’s put another couple.
Cruel? True, but is the resource most used and I get tired you cry every time they kill someone. Ok, get over it, Xena not revived and I live with this reality for years. What are the fans but to do what they want with their favorite characters?
j) Lady in red
The months pass, love flows properly or some misstep, they kiss in the moonlight, dancing on the track and all envy. It’s the egregious love!
And they never menstruate.
That soulmate blasting you from clothing to sexual plans that could have never happens in that book that you like. Forget about tampons and cycles! Forget about having two different times! Life is wonderful without those pesky eggs. The only rule (rule / regla = menstruation) that can be seen in one of the lesbian novels is the one that strikes against the buttocks of the most sensitive of the two girls while the other smiles. Yes, ladies! That is! Point for clichés.
With this I leave you, ladies, I thought it short left me longer than orgasm novelette. Anyway, see you when the next full moon appears on the horizon or the next tsunami cover us. See ya!